@WiseRiseInfo: Hello & Goodbye
Over the past ~2 years I have, much to my amazement, made dozens upon dozens of friends & had thousands of positive conversations/interactions. I have gone from crude childlike graphic statements to less crude childlike ones. ;P Even dabbled in statements via video.
What a wonderful surprise & experience!
I have shared more of myself from a self imposed anonymity than I do as ‘myself’. @WiseRiseInfo, contrary to what I & others might have expected, isn’t a persona. It’s me! There is a certain freedom found in anonymity. As much as it chafes at times. To discover through pure luck, on what was a whim, the world of like minded -like hearted- people: WOW!
I joined Twitter late. ~3 years ago. I had never clicked with it. I joined out of boredom and, I suppose, a desperation to connect with something during a rough period. After months of intermittent attempts to find a place in the TwitterVerse I happened upon #CDNPoli. Something finally clicked.
I found a purpose. A place. A passion I’d been lacking.
@WiseRiseInfo was born. No… @WiseRiseInfo was found!
According to http://twbirthday.com @WiseRiseInfo is: 17,348 hours · 723 days · 24 months old as of the start of this post.
- In those 723 days, with you my online family and friends, I have:
• Been inspired
• Been broken from the horrors of the world
• Gone to war: Won, retreated, & yes occasionally lost
• So much more
Ok. That was the Hello… Now what is this Goodbye nonsense?
This is the hard part. Not because I have shame. I do not. Not because I worry about judgement. I don’t. Why is it hard… Funny, until this second I thought I knew. Now I see I was wrong.
My ‘working reasoning’ behind not directly sharing parts of myself here was I didn’t want to muddy the waters or call into question my contributions. EGO much?! Heh. Now I see it really isn’t that.
What it comes down to is habit & self protection. There are certain things that you learn to hold back on sharing. At 40 I’m old enough to ‘know’ we don’t discuss such things, young enough to know that is BS.
I have both Major Depressive Disorder [MDD] & Severe Adult ADHD. There are others on the list but I’ll stick with those for today.
Winter is always a rough time for Depression, a daylight replacement lamp helps a lot.
A couple of months ago as I was struggling to maintain a functional mood level while winter grew darker I had to say goodbye to my dog.
More than a dog, she was my best friend, my purpose, and my connection to the world during the times that I felt none. She was my Emotional Guide Dog.
Never underestimate the power of unconditional love! Receiving and giving it. She was just a little shy of 14 years. The Congestive Heart Failure she battled like a champion for over 7 years reached beyond the limits of Veterinary Medicines ability to treat it.
The vet came to my place. I held my girl as the medication took hold. As I stroked and kissed her I told her how much she was loved, how blessed I was to be her Daddy, and how she kept me going for over a quarter of my life. Kept me living. Kept me alive.
The single hardest thing I’ve ever done: holding her as she departed.
The biggest honour I could ever have: being there for her while she did.
And then she was gone.
But I was ok. Things would be ok.
Less than 2 weeks later there was an interruption in the supply chain of one of my primary medications. Ordinarily, for most people, this wouldn’t be a problem of any substance as long as another generic or brand name is available.
A generic drug is a drug defined as “a drug product that is comparable to a brand/reference listed drug product in dosage form, strength, quality and performance characteristics, and intended use.”
As luck would have it I am among the ~10% of the population that can have a sensitivity to the differing formulations of generics. ‘But they are chemically identical @WiseRiseInfo!’ I hear you say. That is true for the active psychopharmacological constituents, however the remaining fillers and overall composition does vary from manufacturer to manufacturer.
Most nations require generic drug manufacturers to prove their formulation exhibits bioequivalence to the innovator product.
Bioequivalence, however, does not mean generic drugs must be exactly the same (“pharmaceutical equivalent”) as their innovator product counterparts, as chemical differences may exist (different salt or ester – a “pharmaceutical alternative”).. Since the US Hatch-Waxman Act of 1984, most small molecule drugs are accepted as bioequivalent if their pharmacokintic parameters of AUC and Cmax are within the range of a 90% Confidence Interval of 80.00%-125.00%; most approved generics are well within this limit. For more complex products, such as inhalers, patch delivery systems, liposomal preparation, or biosimilar products, testing to show pharmacodynamic or clinical equivalence is a more complex challenge.
From trial and error over the years I knew that the other generics available had varying side effects and levels of efficacy. Having never tried the brand name version it was an unknown and the procedure for convincing the Ministry to allow the NOSUB prescription of the non-generic was too lengthy. I was down to a two day supply when I discovered my refill could not be filled with the generic NOSUB I have been on for years.
The short version too late! is that in the 2+ weeks until the stock of the brand I require was replenished I had a complete mood crash, debilitating headaches, and averaged 16 hours in bed. Sleep was elusive. Thank you generics and non enforced supply chains.
If you have ever experienced profound clinical depression or seen it experienced first hand: picture that.
If you have never experienced profound clinical depression or seen it experienced first hand: picture the darkest emptiness of being you can possibly conceive and multiply by 1000.
Medication restored! I now realistically face 6-9 months until everything stabilizes. In all honesty that is the most optimistic outlook. The balance, once lost, can be elusive to restore. With cyclical depression balance is a generous term at the best of times.
To put it in perspective: it took the better part of a decade of trial & error, dose adjustments, adjuncts, and helper drugs to achieve a satisfactory level of ‘existence’. This was in conjunction with weekly psychotherapy. I was lucky enough to find one of the few, highly qualified, psychiatrists remaining that practiced psychotherapy in support of psychopharmacology. Actually scratch that. Very little luck involved. I had given up. 7 ‘shrinks’ over ~5 years that were of the initial 15 minute meeting, sends me home with 5 prescriptions and a follow up in 3-6 months variety.
They had killed any hope I might have had.
Moving cities led to a new GP who happened to be familiar with a Doctor who practiced talk therapy and actual diagnosis. A Doctor with well over a year waiting list…. Advocating for me my GP convinced the Psychiatrist to meet for an assessment. Thus began twice weekly sessions of the hardest emotional undertaking.
Sorry I got off on a tangent, this was meant to be a brief post. Hell if I’m going to delete any of it though! At this point I’ve been working on this for
6 14 23 days. As much as that hurts to share, I share it to demonstrate what impact Depression can have. Friends and followers will understand the difference between my ‘regular’ output and this timeline.
That is why the second part of this is titled Goodbye. As absurd as it may sound the pressure of my Twitter account ‘awaiting’ me is holding me back/down. Mental Illness is a hell of a thing.
That doesn’t mean I’m gone, it means I am setting no expectations. If something spurs action on my part: great! If days/weeks pass and I am silent. That I will accept too.
I need to focus all the energy and focus I can muster on myself. Control the depressive cycle. Pay the bills. Keep the lights on. Eat.
I have to learn to do this from zero. Without my pup. Without her as the bridge between the abyss and sea level. Now would be a good time to hug your pets and remind them how special they are. No, seriously, DOIT.
The DMs and emails checking in from those of you that have noticed my disappearance are greatly appreciated. I am sorry for not responding to most of you. Hopefully, if you have read this, you will understand why.
Observe • Think • Feel • #WiseUp
Don’t like what you find?
Speak • Write • Sing • Take Part • #RiseUp